life as it is seen from my heart and soul

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oh life. it is lovely. it is despairing. it is joy. it is so much there are no words at times.
the overwhelmingness of life. i wish it would slow down.
but then, i wish it would speed up to get to heaven, my real true home.
life with Jesus. i cannot imagine life without Jesus.
i have seen life without the Saviour. it is not nice. it doesn’t end well.
it is hard, sad, difficult. i have watched people die without the Saviour.
so life with Jesus. it is also hard, sad, and difficult but only in the sense that it is life on earth and this is not my permanent home.
so while I am here waiting on the Kingdom i will choose to serve in joy and kindness. i can only do it with Jesus.
i will love to the Nth degree and not worry about what i get in return.
because there is Jesus.
i will guard my heart and my mind.
Psalm 62:1-2 Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from Him.
Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
this hangs in my office that my sister made for me. it is my reminder… He is life. He is salvation. He is rest. i need to remember that i will NOT be shaken because of Him.
Jesus. Life. One in the same.

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2020 & the holidays

OMG. it is already January 4, 2020.
i will not be writing on Reflections of 2019.
i will not be stating what my goals are for 2020.
i will not be posting insane pics from New Year’s Eve.
i will not be discussing the current global politics, weather, or current wars.

so. this post. the first of 2020.
words to consider:
kindness, respect, compassion, forgiveness, selflessness.
this means we all need to change.
our attitudes, our thought processes, our hearts.
we need to put others first. always. no matter what.
I am not saying let others walk all over you.
Jesus turned his cheek and then walked away.
so you don’t need to keep everyone in your life IN your life.
even family members can be let go of if they are toxic.

but in the end we need each other. and we need Jesus more than anything.
He is the Saviour, the Creator, the Giver of Life, the Word, the Light.
He is Life. and His Life gives us life.
so what will you do with 2020?
will you follow Jesus? will you give everything to Him so he can fill you up with peace and joy that the world cannot give you?
because in Him is your only hope for contentment.
in Him is your chance at real life.

so let go in 2020 and allow Him to lead your life.

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my small little world

it isn’t that important.
i have no recent grief to deal with.
i am not in any pain or agony.
my life is not like others.
i have a home. food. warmth. a husband that loves me.
and yet. there is a tinge.
of sadness. regret. anger.
the plans i make get taken away.
with no question. or thought of what my hopes were for this Christmas.
to celebrate with my small family, my children, some friends.
to talk and laugh and watch old movies.
but no one asks and they make assumptions.
oh i need Jesus today. to change my mind and my heart.
to take the anger and spite out of me.
every time it happens i have to give up everything.
i have to go smile and kiss and eat and act like i am glad to be there.
but i am not. i want to be in my home with my tree and my people.
in my small little world. it has not ever been perfect.
i do not expect perfect. i would just like to once get to do what i planned.

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it is Christmas

the holiday season is upon us. ChristMass. to celebrate the Child born to save the world from sin and death.
and in this season there is pain and grief and sorrow. loss.
so can we be like Mary, the mother of Jesus?
to celebrate His birth and rejoice in knowing what He will do for us?
despite the fear and pain and sorrow that is coming, we will choose JOY.
because we have the Gift. His Love. His Mercy. His Grace.
He loves me. No matter what. and I cannot repay that at all.

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Joy and Sorrow

this is going to be a happy and sad posting.
because that is what is in my heart and going on.
my eldest got married last Friday. oh what a whirlwind.
and in March I will put her on a plane and she will move to Paris, France permanently. and I will still find joy because it is her joy.
her husband is from France and to get married there is a nightmare.
so they got married here in the states.
and he loves her so very very much.
and his mum is adorable and loves her so very very much.
and I will let her go…. because that is what a parent does.
no matter what.

so at work this week i have had to deal with student issues that have broken my heart. to tears.
what does one say when there is a student in your office and her significant other has killed themselves? there are no words to console her. no words to ease her pain as she sits there with no emotion on her face. none.
and the next day is a student with such issues and dysfunction in her life she is barely hanging on by a thread. there is so much need in her life.

and i do what i can. and when they leave i cry because of what i see and hear.
and i pray to the Lord to help me know what to do.

i went to the funeral home tonight.
there was no body.
a mob of people there. but the sadness in the air. and the student being consoled by her friends.
how does one recover from a suicide? how?

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if only you could be in my head.

you would think I was crazy. or maybe not.
this week… this is THE WEEK.
it is wedding week here. and my emotions are on overdrive.
work interrupts my sleep.
life needs to slow down.
people need to take responsibility for their actions or lack of action.
kinder and gentler. we all need to be more kind.
considerate. we all need to be more considerate of other’s circumstances.
more later.
oh… and the cold here is insane for this early in the season.

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many tasks to accomplish
many emotions to deal with
much work to do at my jobs
many people dealing with worse issues than I have.

so…. with that said. I spent a day with the people in Pittsburgh over the weekend.
The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.
how does one talk about what they live with?
my father had AML thirty-nine years ago. and i wonder if things would have been different if someone had reached out to him about his symptoms. he died after his first treatment.
before that it was my best friend from Cincy. we were 22 and both just married. and leukemia struck and killed her.
and now a good friend … ten years into the fight…. still trying to figure out best treatment options. still researching initiatives and trials. still. to live longer and better for herself.
in the end we live on this side of heaven, this side of the Risen Kingdom of Jesus. and thus, it is a fallen world – a world of sickness, sadness, evil, anxiety, depression, harm to others, so many bad things. in that we have the Hope of Christ to live one day at a time here.