brokenBread……

life as it is seen from my heart and soul


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Perfectionism and life

so i recently did a management survey and perfectionism was one of my attributes.
I. AM. APPALLED.
perfectionism? me? i am the least perfectionistic person on the planet! I mean really, i totally know I am not perfect, never will be perfect and can’t achieve perfect.
just visit me. My house is dusty. Clothes need ironed. Have you seen my physical body? I mean really. lumpy, out of shape, totally not something you want to see unclothed. and then there is my work desk. OMG. biggest mess on the planet.
BUT (there is always a but) ~ I kept reading what it said. and it described me to a T. totally me. perfectionistic. Oh Lord, how do i get over that label?
get over it. get over me. get over expectations. get over the desire to have a holiday meal that looks like a magazine cover. get over that my in-laws will actually ask me how my life is and really listen. get over the desires I had about what should be going on at this stage of my life.
Get. Over. It. and stop and breathe. In. Out. Repeat. and remember. i am not the blame for what my parent’s choices were. i am His and He is mine. this season of CHRISTmas is not the season of perfectionism. it is the season of Holy Love. of figuring out that whatever the journey is Right Now where i am at is a good thing because of the Love of God to us in this Babe.
thank you Jesus.

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thankfulness

long weekend. American Thanksgiving. Family here. gastronomical eating. quiet time. comfort. warmth. did not do anything with the job. life.
going into the Holy Season of Christmas. preparing for the Birth of the Saviour. mercy. grace. blessing.
what does Christ want of me? patience. to love others. patience. to love others. push. play repeat. patience. to love others. and let Him lead.
so I repeat His name when I cannot sleep. I repeat His name when I am frustrated. and I remind myself of the gifts He has given me.
Thankfulness. I cannot tell you everything I am thankful for. the list is HUGE. and LONG.
but deep down it is that He has changed my heart, He has given me Life, and that even in the darkness He is Light. I am grateful. each day. every day.
so, are you thankful? are you blessed? are you living in His Light?


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the journey is twisting

and life goes on. the Sun rises and sets. my frustration sits there. i do not speak it. i dare not speak it.
for the life i lead is not my own. thus, help me Lord. i am in desperate need of Your Guidance.
I meet with a counselor – she pastors Pastors in a different denomination. i trust her with everything i am. and her comment to me is Melinda, you have the toughest job being the wife of a Pastor. because you hear what others say – you hear how they twist what is intended, how they are unhappy because they think ‘the Pastor’ isn’t listening or isn’t doing what they think he should do or what ever they think. and she agrees that I cannot say what my heart desires to say.
so Lord. help me. in my silence to be like You.


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another weekend thought

in case you haven’t figured it out ~ I am not the popular writer that has hundreds (or even 100) followers. and that is okay with me.
I have been thinking about this ever since I joined Instagram. I love Instagram. more than the ever popular Facebook or Snapchat  (to which I refuse to do) or Google+ or Twitter or QZone.
I have ‘friends’ on Facebook that use their account for political/theological purposes. Or they try really hard to tell me why what I think is so very wrong. Or that what I eat is nothing more than trash. Or they spew political trash talk about the current American political scene. Or you name ‘it’, they try to convince you of ‘it’. This wears me out. If you research the original purpose of Facebook that is not what it was intended for. Can it be used for good? Yes it can. But much like the internet (that has more porn users than any other kind) it can be used for evil (or stupidity).
But IG. I follow people on IG because of sewing, gardening, music, baking, cooking, theological perspective, crocheting, reading, friendship, you get it – for a number of reasons. BUT I do not know if they ‘think’ the way I do, or eat the way I eat, or live the way I live. and that is OK with me. I am not going to use labels because I will get it wrong. I don’t know everything about the people I follow because that isn’t what IG is about. Yes, I realize it can be used for evil just like anything else on the internet. On IG I am not having my beliefs or principles belittled. I am not ‘judged’ for my faith. I do not have people that are my ‘friends’ telling me what they think I should do based on what they know to be ‘true’.
I have personal beliefs. and I try to do the best I can. my most personal belief is that I am to love like Jesus Christ. I fail at this ALL. THE. TIME. but I get up and try again. to love all no matter what. NO. MATTER. WHAT. Help me Lord in this season of Your birth to reflect the Love You have given to me.


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snow and ice and life

OMG. where oh where does the time go??? into eternity I think. up to the heavens waiting on all of us to review what we did with our Earthly time.
had the GI bug this week. don’t ever ever ever want that again. lost 2 days of work, 2 days of being conscious, 2 days of trying to be nice.
my boss told me tonight that I should stop trying to catch up at work because I will never be caught up. in my mind there is something inherently wrong with a job that you will never ever be caught up in. what does that say about my ability to be able to work on future projects? or think about the data and statistics that i am given related to students and resources and cost projections? or my ability to do any research on my own? that means there is no time for any of that. Which puts me in a constant mode of putting out fires, of dealing with interruptions, having my calendar appointments moved to make way for meetings that actually waste my time and my brain power ~ I could go on, but it is futile. i will continue to persevere. to have faith that there is some reason to do the job i do.
other thoughts. i re-read This Present Darkness by Peretti. eye opening again. praying more. and more. re-reading Fervent by Priscilla Shirer. another one.
Thanksgiving. there is a turkey thawing in my fridge. and cranberries to cook. and pumpkin pie to bake. cookies to bake and frost. and then to soak in the day with the blessings I am thankful for. no matter who comes home.
thank you Jesus for the life you have given me.


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never enough time. never.

currently i am watching. and waiting. on Frost. on Time. on the Unknown.
the pie filling is made and canned. the first batch of applesauce is made and canned. the bone broth is canned.
back to Monday tomorrow. so i pray for calmness.¬† because i am already behind and it isn’t even here yet. and clarity. to prioritize. to answer wisely. to be grace where none is offered. next term looms like a soul sucking giant.
But yet. there is always a ‘but yet’ in Scripture. because Christ is always there – in the watching, the waiting, the clarity, the answers, the ultimate Grace. He. Is. and i am not.


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Fall is here…

and with it, a head cold. I. Hate. HeadColds.
but up to this point, the Autumnal season has been amazing.
the best part, after the Michigan trip, was the Indianapolis trip. first time to go to TrueWoman2018.  Nancy Leigh Wohlgamuth. A stage of amazing speakers. and music by Keith & Kristyn Getty.
I. Mean. WOWWWWW.
Jackie Hill Perry. Dannah Gresh. Dr. Eric Mason. Robin McElvey. the funny and amazing Acts of Renewal. and Nancy.
music was a balm to my brokenness. the talks were an encouragement to my heart. and my soul was refreshed in the hearing of the Word.