brokenBread……

life as it is seen from my heart and soul


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the finches appear to be fighting

over the birdseed outside my dining room window. so i wonder are they getting ready to fly south for the winter? will we have a winter?
I know this is horrible, but I am praying for a blizzard this year. Please Lord, let me be stuck at home for a week. with electricity of course. home. with my crocheting and sewing and reading and writing. and little green plants. don’t care about tv. or drama. or work. just home. with my Samwise. and my blankets.

to say i am exhaustified is an understatement.
i am whipped.
and i replay words over and over and over in my head.
my brain isn’t resting. at all.

i want to be a finch. to eat and fly south. to sing in song to my Creator.
but instead i have a brain and a choice.
so i will watch the finches store up and fly south.
and go back to canning salsa and pizza sauce. and repotting plants before bringing them in. and laundry and bills and the ordinariness of my life.

it is a good life. a minion life.

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work life balance

is there such a thing? work life balance. the illusion of actually having balance.
the only way I see any hope for balance is to not work in a job that forces me to leave my home.
work life balance. buzz words. it doesn’t matter. the achievable is out of reach.
to balance Jesus is more attainable ~ to try to be Him in every circumstance should be my goal. and in attempting that, I will see the ‘balance’ of whatever life brings me on this earth.
the illusion… the deception….. the notion that there is balance on earth is not true. there is no balance without Christ. that is the goal.


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different kind of summer.

Summer has begun. Officially.
only there is stuff. there is always stuff. i hate stuff.
the weather here has not been cooperative for our farmers. I live in a farming community – and let me tell you it is a rough summer. Wet. Wet. More WET.
the corn and soy crops were at least 6 weeks behind in getting planted.
then they got planted and were up maybe 3 to 4 inches. and then….
more rain. and more rain. and more rain.
the fields were under water.
so, there are farmers that didn’t plant anything taking the insurance money.
and there are farmers that planted and now are at a huge loss.
we already will have no Ohio peaches because of the winter/spring weather.
now there will be no corn for animals for next winter and no corn for people in the fall.
what does a farmer do when this happens? how do they survive? what do they do to pay their bills? what happens to fields laying fallow for a whole year?

and next up is church. my Samwise is a pastor of a small church.
what the heck is wrong with people? like they want to go back to worship the way it was in 1957!!
i mean really – lets just kill the church now.
because it is all about them. forget the neighborhood – the people raising their grandchildren that could use help.
or the people addicted to drugs and alcohol that come for AA and NA that can use our help.
or the children that need to hear about the love of Jesus.
oh noooo… they aren’t the ‘right’ people. they don’t dress like us. they don’t vote like us…
oh Lord… help me keep my mouth shut and pray for what they don’t ‘see’. for our hearts. for our church to be like Jesus no matter what.

then next would be my job. i have a job. it actually entails 2.5 jobs.
i am grateful for employment. it pays the bills. my student loans. my house payment. food. medical bills. you get the jest.
BUT what are you trying to teach me Lord in this job? it is wearing me out. it is draining. and depressing. when those around me work to cheat the system they are in. when they defend people that lie. when they don’t say anything when people actually steal in ways that aren’t easily proved.
how do i respond to this? how do i love in this?
how the heck can i be like Jesus to these people?

and don’t get me started on students.
what the heck is wrong with them?
they complain. and whine. and are extremely negative.
taking no responsibility for their learning. their education.
expecting it to be handed over to them.
don’t get me started. it isn’t pretty.

stuff. family. marriage. children. taxes. life.
but in it all is the realization that the Lord is in control. He is there in every moment.
i breathe because He says BREATHE.
i exist because His Holy Spirit fills me.
i know of Him because of His Son’s death for my life.
so i wait. and watch. and be silent. brain be still and watch for Him.


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wondering.

about life. about summer. about weather. and the garden. and the crops.
how does a farmer do it? complete trust in what God provides.
we are 6 weeks behind here on crops. my garden looks good despite the cold temps we have had here.
and the rain continues. while other places are dry, we are soggy wet.

life moves on. in rhythmical 24 hours sun and moon seasons of life.
but to continue in grief. and pain. and sorrow.
to help a young woman in her last days. to bear pain and yet live each day, each hour. and to go home.

work. how does one talk about work? i need my job. i can’t do my job. pretty sure even if i lived at my office i wouldn’t be able to get the work done. and that bothers me. Servant Leadership. the theme keeps repeating in my reading, my conversations, my thoughts. why is it that those at the top do not get it? micromanaging doesn’t work. ever.

and children. oh the Lord does not tell you what it is about having children. you think they need you more when they are small and innocent and learning. not true. they need you more when they are 13 and 25 and 32 and on. and it breaks your heart still. because of Love.


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June.

Is it here? Is it almost summer?
it is June. June, Glorious June.
everything in my garden is up ~ green beans, heirloom tomato seeds, yellow squash, paste tomatoes, cutting tomatoes, snow peas, little yellow plum tomatoes, yellow and orange peppers, and lettuces.
i also planted more mint, rosemary, greek oregano, and lots of basil.
annuals this year are marigolds, sunflowers, celeosia, impatiens, petunias, and some ornamental vines.
BUT… the farmers here. Pray for the farmers. Ohio corn is normally ‘knee high by the 4th of July’ but not this year due to the rains. this year they are at least 5 weeks behind planting. there are some fields that aren’t planted yet. and then the fields with corn it looks like the plants are maybe 6″ high.
and there are no peaches here in Ohio… so pray for the fruit farmers as well. i am hopeful for the apple crops.
my red raspberry bushes are growing! and the elderberry bushes are doing well. the asparagus did well in April and May, but we are done cutting and letting it grow and feed the roots.
there is probably another cutting from the rhubarb. i have made one berry rhubarb crumble. pie is next!
and life goes on. work goes on. each day goes on. and i wonder what God thinks. we are doing Daniel in church for a sermon series and wow… humanity hasn’t changed one bit. i wonder what would happen if someone changed into a wild animal because they were to self centered and did not do what God asked them to? what would people think or say?
so i keep praying for me, my heart, my tongue, my thoughts, how i treat others. to be the Light. what are you praying for?


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Memorial Day, USA

small town. Memorial Day parade 2019.
the old men in their uniforms that ride in the cars decorated with flags.
the middle aged men in their uniforms that walk in front with flags.
the young ones in bands & scout troops & families.
We will not forget.
Freedom is not Free.
We do not see the scars on their bodies or in their hearts.
Men & women they fought with that did not return.
The Most Eternal Sacrifice.
for me. for you. for this great land of the United States of America.
they were young and had so much to live for. so they gave twice in their giving.
once for the life they lived and second for the future they lost.
for me.
so that I can pray and worship anytime anywhere.
so that I can walk into an election booth and vote without fear.
so that I can speak my mind in public knowing their is no retribution for my speech.
so that I can read anything I like in print or word.
Freedom. much like my Lord. I cannot touch it, smell it, taste it ~ but once it is taken I can see what has been lost.
I will never Forget the Sacrifice of others for this Freedom of mine.


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one week later….

and ALOT has happened in this week.
much more than needs to be discussed in a blog.
so i sit here sweating like crazy as I am just in from the garden. it is 83 degrees but feels like 89 degrees because of the humidity.
so time to catch all of you up.
last weekend was the Michigan weekend with my Emmie. she had asked for a mom-daughter weekend about 6 weeks ago and i said Yes.. so i found an airbnb in Douglas Michigan and we had a great time. Slept in, had great food at great restaurants, went and saw Avengers: EndGame again, and had too much fun! Saugatuck was delightful… massages and facials were amazing, breakfast at Pumpernickels was fabulous on our last morning. it was relaxing and not too busy. hoping it was what she wanted.

this week. work. work work. i was off Thursday for some personal care. recovered by sleeping all day Thursday and some of Friday.

and now here we are with Memorial Day weekend.
Honour. Remember. Never Forget.
I am free because of those that have gone before and given their lives for our country. They have made the eternal sacrifice so that I can vote, and go to church and speak my mind if I chose to. Why would we not honour them?

i have been in my garden most of the morning and afternoon. went back to Honey Haven and got tomatoes, peppers, more marigolds, and some other things. my seeds are up – peas, tomato plants, lettuces. i will get the squashes in because i totally forgot to plant them. only doing yellow squash this year.

i have a list a mile long for the next two days… but it will be what it is.